


The Trouble With Wanting

by A_nonnie_mouse



Series: The Trouble With Wanting [1]
Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Healing, Masturbation, My First Smut, Nothing Hardcore, Porn With Plot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sex Is Healthy, Smut, We Are Learning That Sex Is Healthy, post-ck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:21:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24756952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_nonnie_mouse/pseuds/A_nonnie_mouse
Summary: “Kaz.” She was frustrated at his self-deprecation. “Please understand. My mind wants you. My heart longs for you. My body…” She struggled for words, the shame rising again, threatening her eyes with tears. “My body isn’t entirely convinced something horrible isn’t going to happen again. This wasn’t because of you. You understand that, don’t you?”Inej begins to reckon with her own armor so she can have what, and who, she wants.
Relationships: Kaz Brekker & Inej Ghafa, Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa
Series: The Trouble With Wanting [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1794271
Comments: 26
Kudos: 204





	The Trouble With Wanting

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because these fucking incredible books won't leave me the fuck alone, and it's distracting me from writing my original content. I know typically these fanfics tend toward solving how Kaz would learn to manage touching, well, anyone, but I think we already see at the end of CK that he's making progress all on his own. I tend to think that Inej would have the harder time becoming intimate, so that's my hot take and that's what this is about. 
> 
> Also sorry for the excessive use of italics.

Inej Ghafa had a problem. Any one of her crew on _The Wraith_ would have called it insomnia, and, honestly, that was the explanation she preferred. Insomnia would have innocent enough and treatable enough – a quick visit to a Healer at the next port could prescribe a potion that would put to rest the whole conundrum.

If it was as simple as insomnia, that is.

But nothing was ever that simple for Inej. _Simple solutions are for simple people_ , she’d tell herself, trying to muster up some self-confidence in her captain’s cabin at night. Much of her life was far from simple, and she liked it that way. But this. This was eating her alive.

The waves rocked _The Wraith_ through the night. The summer heat bore down all through the night, even with a porthole window ajar. And with the heat, and the sweat, the gentle sway of the boat, all she thought of was _him._

 _Fuck._ She pressed her palms into her eyes, whining for sleep. _Fuck._ She’d started this. She’d _wanted_ this. _I’ll have you without armor,_ she’d said, shoulders set in determination, _or I won’t have you at all._

Kaz Brekker had taken those words to heart. Of course he had. He had always taken her words seriously. And she’d expected him to choose the armor.

But he hadn’t.

 _“So, what is happening, exactly?”_ It had been nearly a year since she’d asked him this exact question. They were huddled over a small table in a dark corner of The Crow Club, sharing a bottle of _kvas_ after having checked her parents into an expensive hotel for their stay. She would be setting sail with them in the morning, headed for Ravka, their maiden voyage aboard _The Wraith._ Kaz had been nothing but a gentleman to her mother and father their entire stay, addressing them formally in his best (albeit broken) Suli, occasionally checking his tie. He had treated them to lavish dinners, far from the Barrel, and put them all up in a safe part of town.

But she would be leaving Ketterdam then, and they had not spoken since the docks about their plans to hunt slave traders. They had not spoken about how their fingers had entwined, that he’d taken off those damnable gloves, and _what had that even meant?!_

So she’d asked the question. _“What is happening, exactly?”_ leaning into an elbow on the table, lifting her glass with the other. Thank the Saints for _kvas._ Would she have been able to push the issue without a little dose of the liquid courage?

 _“Do you still not know?”_ Kaz had set down his glass, leaning back in his seat with his other hand on his crow’s head cane. He was wearing those damn gloves again.

 _You’re a free woman now, Inej,”_ he’d said. _“Go where you please, do as you want.”_

_“I’m not a podge; I gathered that much,” she said. “I mean, this. This.” She gestured between the two of them, the great expanse of table between them, both too small and too wide all at once._

_At that, Kaz stiffened, his coffee-black gaze dipping away from hers for a brief moment. Nerves? Shame? What was it? Why was he so impossible to read?_

_“What is it you want?” he rasped at last. That voice of his. Inej felt her breath hitch – nervous and something else._

_“I told you what I wanted,” she replied, feeling her face grow warm. “What is it you want?”_

_“What I want hasn’t changed.” It could have been the dim light of the Crow Club, but Inej could have sworn Kaz’s sharp cheekbones were reddening._

_“You want me.” She repeated his words from all those months ago. It felt foreign to pry into Kaz this much. But she deserved to know. Without armor, that was the demand._

_The muscle in his jaw ticked, like he was prepping for a fight. He picked up his glass, draining it entirely before saying another word._

_“I want,” he started, disjointed and awkward, “I want you – to want me.”_

_Now she knew her eyes weren’t playing tricks on her. He was red in the face, and, for all of his rough edges and sharp angles, he was still a boy, in front of the girl he wanted and felt he couldn’t have._

_“I do want you,” she breathed, and then Kaz was checking every face around them, casing their surroundings, as if suddenly overly concerned about who was overhearing. But the Crow Club’s patrons were far off, engaged at gambling tables or raucous drinks at the bar. Kaz and Inej were quite alone._

_“You want the sea,” he corrected, not meeting her gaze._

_“Don’t tell me what I want,” Inej interrupted._

_“You said you wanted the sea.” Kaz turned his dark eyes back at her fiercely. “You wanted to fight. You wanted to save girls like you. And you should. You are good and dangerous and glorious, and now you are free. Do what you want, or Ghezen help me, I’ll fight you right here.”_

_But Inej just smirked._

_“I never said I wanted you **or**_ _the sea, Kaz,” she said. “I’m a free woman now, and I’ll have you and the sea and every other wonderful treasure I can lift from life’s coat pockets.”_

_Kaz was pressing back a crooked smile._

_“Spoken like a true privateer,” he said, almost wistful, almost proud. It was truly an overwhelming amount of affection coming from Kaz Brekker, and all Inej wanted in that moment was to see him smile more._

_“I’ll be needing a cheeky parrot for my shoulder to complete the ensemble,” she quipped._

_“And an eye patch,” Kaz added, and it was Inej’s turn to grin._

_“And a drinking problem,” she said, lifting her drink, and Kaz leaned forward with his to clink their glasses together in a toast. The sight of his quirk of a smile over her glass was enough to make her heart swell in her chest, and by the time they set their glasses down again, she felt she had to say it once more._

_“I want you without armor, Kaz.”_

_And part of her expected him to run, to recoil into that darkness within himself he loved and hated so much. That he would choose the certainty and safety of it over whatever might lie beyond._

_But instead, he ran his gloves fingers on the rim of his glass, absentmindedly, thinking, stewing. Not quite scheming. Just considering. And when he looked at her, there was the spark of something hopeful and daring in his gaze. He started to nod slowly, and a lock of his dark hair slipped forward, like he was already coming undone._

_“Without armor,” he repeated._

_Was that a yes? It certainly wasn’t a no. He could be coy like this when striking a deal. Was he running a con or scared out of his wits? Infuriating. Infuriating and still Inej wanted him._

_“Did you buy me the ship because you thought I want the sea more than I want you?” she tested._

_“I bought you the ship because you deserve the ship.”_

_“And my parents? And my debt?”_

_“Ketterdam owed you those long ago. If I could have sooner --”_

_“You say things like that, and I can’t decide if I should throttle you or kiss you senseless, Kaz.”_

_Kaz huffed a casual ghost of a laugh, but Inej noticed his Adam’s apple bobbing nervously above the collar buttons of his pristine white shirt. His gloved hand tightened on the crow’s head cane, the leather creaking._

_“What is it?” she asked. Kaz took another gulp of his drink. He was doing his level best to appear unruffled, she realized._

_“The suspense is killing me,” he rasped, his lips in that crooked smile. “Whatever will you choose, Inej.”_

_And that’s when she decided: she was going to kiss that stupid smirk off his face. Not here. No. He didn’t deserve the kind of havoc that would wreak on his life, the kind of danger revealing that kind of weakness could bring to his doorstep. Neither did she, for that matter. Instead, she drained the last of the kvas, and stood up, Kaz’s dark eyes following her every move._

_“Meet me in The Slat,” she told him, and reveled at the way Kaz’s jaw slackened, his pink lips parting just slightly. She’d surprised him, surprised the Bastard of the Barrel himself, and the rush that came from that kind of power never got old._

Just remembering what came next made Inej groan in dismay in her bunk. She flopped an arm over her eyes, desperate to scrub the embarrassment from rising again. Why did her memory plague her at night like this? What did she do to deserve this kind of nightly torment? Some part of her hoped Kaz was just as miserable; it only seemed fair.

_She left the Crow Club through the front door, making it appear to anyone watching that she and Kaz were headed in separate directions for the night. But once in the shadows, she’d scaled a drainpipe and hoisted herself onto his window ledge, giving the window a quick heave before slipping soundlessly inside. When she turned around, Kaz was already locking the door behind him._

_Her heart rammed against her ribcage at the sight of him. He was slipping off his coat, then one glove at a time, and while his face remained expressionless, his chest heaved and his nostrils flared. This man, this ruthless, dangerous man, who’d killed for her and conned for her, this man was breathless with nerves at the very thought of touching her again. But then, who was she to judge? Her fingers trembled when she pushed a lock of hair behind her ear that had escaped her braid._

_It was madness. All she’d really wanted was to hold his hand one last time before she set sail in the morning. She’d never thought that greed could get the best of her, but Kaz Brekker’s tendencies had a way of rubbing off on you. Greed perhaps was one of them._

_She started to cross the room to him, thrilled by the sight of his bare hands, his dark furrowed brows in the moonlight. The armor was coming off. Rip it off like an old bandage, she thought._

She had mistakenly assumed it would hurt less this way.

_“You want me,” she said again. The air around them was changing. The room felt heady, murkier. Like moving through a dream._

_Kaz nodded._

_“Say it,” Inej said._

_“I want you,” Kaz rasped. He was breathing hard, rooted to where he stood._

She should have seen the signs.

_She felt dizzy as she closed the distance between them, but she tried to ignore it. They’d held hands in the open air; this shouldn’t be any more difficult than that. She reached out, running a hand along his black waistcoat. She could feel the hard planes of his chest beneath, and the floor seemed to pitch beneath her feet._

_Rip off the bandage. Saints, rid us of this armor._

_“Inej,” he whispered._

_Before she could think, she grabbed the neck of his waistcoat, pulling him closer. His black eyes flew open wide._

_“Wait--” Kaz started to say as their lips met. Panic immediately seized at Inej’s chest, ice cold and contracting so that she gasped. When was the last time she had been close like this with a man? She didn’t want to think that. She didn’t want to remember—_

_At the same moment, Kaz groaned against her mouth, something between desire and pain. One of his hands was sliding around her waist, gripping hard against the small of her back, and at the sensation, Inej felt herself start to buckle. Memories were coming back fast and fierce now, of unwanted hands, of ruthless, cruel smiles, the horrible stench, the pain, the ripping, deep pain—_

_Something clattered to the floor. Kaz’s cane. Somewhere above her, Kaz grunted in obvious pain now, his bad leg giving way as they both stumbled backward awkwardly. It was only getting worse. At the feel of his body against hers, his hips meeting hers, her body reacted entirely on its own. She froze, feeling herself leave her body, disappearing into darkness. This was happening to someone else, someone broken, someone who didn’t care._

_When she finally became aware of her surroundings again, she was huddled on the floor by the locked front door, shaking uncontrollably with her wet face buried in her arms. Crying. Kaz was nowhere to be seen. Something of a relief, really. She was alone, and no one could hurt her._

_But then she heard the sound of deep retching from somewhere else in the room, and she looked up through blurry eyes. She blinked away tears as best she could, but couldn’t stop the sobs. This was insane. What kind of privateer cried in a puddle on the floor after kissing a man?_

_“Inej.” Kaz’s voice was thicker than usual, his rasp harsh like a strained whisper. He was on the floor, too, leaning against his bedframe next to his washbasin. His dark hair fell across his sweat-beaded forehead, and the whites of his eyes were bloodshot._

_“I’m fine,” Inej choked. She ran a sleeve across her nose and gulped in deep breaths, trying to calm herself._

_“You’re crying.”_

_“I said I’m fine.”_

_“Come here.”_

_“You’re vomiting.”_

_Kaz heaved a deep sigh. He stretched his long legs out of front of him, flopping his head back against the bedframe and staring at the ceiling._

_“I should have--” he started._

_“I don’t know what I was thinking,” Inej interrupted. She was unwilling to hear apologies for something she’d started._

_“What were you thinking?” Kaz asked. It wasn’t accusatory, which was refreshing. When she looked at him again, he looked exhausted, wiping back sweat from his face. That kissable face. This was torture._

_“I thought this could be easier since you managed to take off your gloves,” she said. Kaz only grunted with a nod, as if to agree it wasn’t an unreasonable conclusion._

_“But you.” Now he looked at her with a pained expression she’d never seen before, and it made her ache. “I am clearly particularly poisonous to you,” he said._

_Inej immediately started shaking her head._

_“Kaz.” She was frustrated at his self-deprecation. “Please understand. My mind wants you. My heart longs for you. My body…” She struggled for words, the shame rising again, threatening her eyes with tears. “My body isn’t entirely convinced something horrible isn’t going to happen again. This wasn’t because of you. You understand that, don’t you?”_

_She silently pleaded with him, tears still glistening in her eyes. But Kaz only swallowed, his dark eyes sadder than she recalled ever seeing them._

_“More than you know,” he said._

_She knew bits of his story, enough that she understood his armor. He hadn’t vomited at her kiss. He had vomited because his skin could not forget the touch of dead flesh; his eyes saw dead bodies where there were none. His body was just as rebellious as hers. They stared at each other a moment, unsure of what to do next, spent from tears and retched kvas._

_“This is hopeless,” Kaz finally relinquished._

_This only annoyed Inej more, and she frowned at him. Kaz Brekker didn’t give up. Kaz Brekker made the rules. Kaz Brekker owned his world._

_She unfurled her own legs, stretching across the distance between them, and nudged at his ankle until he looked at her. It was about all the contact either of them could stand in the moment, but it was still comforting._

_“If you can’t beat the odds,” she threw his own words back at him, “change the game.”_

_“Hm,” Kaz grunted, unconvinced. “What podge said that?”_

_“Some guy I know.”_

_“He sounds terribly good-looking.”_

_“He’s no idiot either.” And Inej offered up a weak smile that should have passed as flirting in better circumstances. Kaz met it with his own tired smirk. It was something. It could be enough for now._

And that’s when they both had decided they weren’t giving up on this – whatever _this_ was. She would be returning to port in Ketterdam in two months after that maiden voyage, and they determined their schemes to remain in touch, to track and disrupt slavers by day, and in secret, when she was on land, they would try to take off the armor. Little by little. Bit by bit. It was a patient strategy they were both familiar with.

But it wasn’t long at all before Inej began to eat the words of her own demand. _Without armor._ Fair was fair, after all – she’d demanded it of Kaz, she owed it to him, too. But with each visit, each stolen kiss, each gentle touch, it became clear what her own armor had protected. She groaned now to even think it, frustrated beyond words.

Arousal.

Awakening.

She had been so young when she had been thrown into the clutches of The Menagerie. She hadn’t even kissed a boy before that, not really. Her first experiences had been of fear, coercion, unrelenting pain, and, finally, escape within her own mind. And now, any time her body began to respond to Kaz’s touch, his lock pick fingers, his soft mouth, this armor clamped down tight. It could happen any time, without warning. When his gentle fingers brushed over her cheek. When his lips grazed the shell of her ear. She _wanted_ ; Saints, how she wanted him. Perhaps this was justice from her Saints for the lives she had taken – to want someone so badly and be tormented each time she tried for what she desired.

Of everything Ketterdam had taken from her, this was perhaps the worst.

For all his shortcomings, her battle was one Kaz understood all too well. He fought his own, shuddering each time their skin brushed for the first time in awhile. She would notice the deep breaths he swallowed to calm himself, the molasses-slow movements he made to prepare himself before he tried anything. It wasn’t all for her benefit, though she needed it as much as he did. Every touch he managed was triumph, which only made her own failures sting even worse.

Her last visit to Ketterdam was what had left her in knots, deprived her of precious sleep. He had gotten under her skin, into her very soul. As long as she had work to do during the day, she could put it out of her mind. But here, in the lonely night, rocked by the waves, it couldn’t be avoided.

It had been a year since their ill-fated first kiss – was it too soon to say she loved him? The very fact she worried over the question made her think it wasn’t. She wouldn’t say it, but she did. _Damnit._

She’d known it the last time she’d set foot in his city, too. That was the night they had taken down a particularly hard-to-catch trafficker, a slimy, sick demon Inej had spent the better part of six months tracking. Kaz had worked hard gathering the intel she needed, and the two of them had taken him out that night. Left him bleeding out on the steps of the Stadwatch with a warning message pinned to his chest. They’d scaled the drainpipe back to The Slat, bloodstained and breathless with adrenaline and righteous fury.

_She turned back to Kaz as he closed the window behind him, a laugh bubbling up from within her. They’d done it. The job was done. She could hardly believe it. The look he gave her when he heard her laugh made her feel more precious than kruge._

_“Thank you,” she panted, still trying to catch her breath. Her top was damp, from sweat or the man’s blood, she wasn’t sure. “This could not have happened without you.”_

_“It would never have happened at all without you,” said Kaz. He was pulling at his gloves, and she was already itching to weave her hands through his long fingers, map each tendon, the bump of each knuckle. She knew his hands now as well as she knew her own._

_But he didn’t go for her hands this time. Instead, he stepped closer and cupped her face in his bare hands. They were softer than she would have expected someone called Dirtyhands would be. Glove-wearing had that effect._

_This time, when he brushed his thumbs across her cheekbones, her body didn’t try to run. She could stand in his adoration, holding her hands over his._

_“You are extraordinary,” he told her, his breathless pants warming her face. This was her Kaz. He wouldn’t say beautiful or anything that remotely sounded like words men who had once paid for her said. He said extraordinary, and he wanted only for her to know it, to believe it herself._

_And when their lips met this time, there was no threat of darkness, no need to escape. She felt him draw in a sharp breath, and she waited to see if he would recoil. But he only pushed his fingers further, burying them into her hair at the nape of her neck._

_And this time she wasn’t afraid. No, this was something else. Desire spread through her, warming instead of constricting, pulsing instead of shutting down. Her hands were running down his torso, pulling at the crest of his hips, and neither one of them were running. Just the opposite._

_More, her body said. More, his lips urged._

_She could taste him now, the brush of his tongue against her bottom lip, and she pulled him in closer, her eyes falling closed, losing herself in him as much as she dared. One of his hands had stayed wound in her hair, but the other began to slip down her spine, pushing her in to him. She was flush with his body, something she had only dreamed of desiring, and still it wasn’t enough._

_More. More._

_Her lungs ached, and she pulled back to draw in a breath, her eyes fluttering open to take him in. Kaz’s dark hair was loose over his thick brows, and his eyes – Saints, the man looked starved. Pupils blown wide in the moonlight; his collar unbuttoned and askew._

_“Enough?” he asked. It was a tender question, meant to check on her wellbeing. But it wasn’t enough. Not in the slightest._

_She wanted to push the armor, unhook what trappings she could, see where it took her. This was already more than she’d dared to hope for months ago. She was only a little dizzy, only slightly out of breath. Her desire far outweighed the small discomfort._

_She took Kaz’s hand from her hair, lacing his fingers through hers. Those hands. A beautiful paradox, they were. Gentle enough to pick any lock, ruthless enough to strangle the life out of a man. She didn’t fear them, not what they did, not what they were capable of. She only wanted them._

_Kaz watched her in mild confusion, perhaps amusement, while she looked over his hands, thinking, moving slowly. And then she slipped her fingers to encircle his wrist and gently moved his hand to cup her breast._

_Any amusement on Kaz’s face fell away in a moment of awe. His chest hitched up, shocked. Had he ever held a woman like this before? Knowing his demons, surely not._

_She let her hand fall away from his wrist, and for a moment, Kaz didn’t move, like he didn’t dare. His eyes wouldn’t budge from her face, as if waiting for any sign that this would upset her. But she felt powerful, encouraged by how she could render this dangerous man speechless. And she smiled at him, sliding her own hands up the wide breadth of his shoulders, pulling him closer once more._

_Kaz’s breathing was shallow, but not panicked, as he finally dropped his gaze to what he now held. He moved his fingers experimentally, his lips parting. Inej felt her whole body warm, practically alight, when his thumb grazed her nipple._

_“Fuck,” was all he whispered, and Inej held back a laugh. She looped her fingers around his neck, her nails grazing where his hair was shaved shorter, and pulled his lips back to hers._

_His kiss this time was like nothing before. It was like a wave finally crashing onto shore. Passionate, verging on unhinged. His mouth parted as he kneaded her breast, and she tasted his salty-sweet tongue before gently nipping his bottom lip, eliciting the tiniest sound from the back of his throat. This was nothing like The Menagerie. This was Kaz. Her Kaz. Kaz who would never take from her without asking, would never receive unless he could give back in equal measure._

_His hand was splayed open across her back, holding her close, and, as he started to stumble on his bad leg, unsteady in their embrace, he slid his arm around her waist so that they were braced together. She could feel his smile against her lips, the smile she could never get enough of, and she stumbled, too, until he was pressing her against the edge of his desk._

_But then, without warning, his hand dropped from her breast. He slid both hands to her waist, lifting her onto his desk, before covering her mouth in kisses again. She was suddenly dizzy again and slipped a hand back to brace herself on the desk._

_“Kaz--” She pulled back and tried to whisper._

_“Inej,” he rasped back. Saints. Damn this armor. She had to keep wanting him, she needed—_

_And then his hand was on her breast again, gently cupping, softly grazing, and she was breathless. His lips were working up the side of her neck, nipping at her earlobe, sending shivers across her skin, and it should have been perfect._

_But it wasn’t. The armor was closing in. She couldn’t move, couldn’t speak._

_Until he stepped between her parted legs, drawing ever closer, and she felt it press against the inside of her thigh. Every hard inch of him. And it was as if something inside of her snapped._

_“Kaz!” she shouted, and, in spite of herself, she shoved his chest, hard, pushing him off of her. He staggered back, shocked and disheveled, and when his bad leg buckled, he sat hard on the edge of the bed._

Sankta Alina, how he’d looked at her that night, that horrible moment.

 _“I don’t understand,_ ” he had said, looking dumbfounded, as she began to sink to the floor. Even remembering it made her want to cry again. But she wouldn’t.

_She was sure there was no coming back from it. That would be the end of their failed experiment. She was meant only for killing men, not loving them. She would live alone for the rest of her days. The ecstasy other girls spoke of was probably overrated anyway._

_She slipped to the floor, overcome with horrible memories and new regrets, as the tears sprung to her eyes._

_For a few agonizing minutes, the only sounds in The Slat were Inej’s muffled sobs._

_“You wanted me to…” Kaz started to say._

_“I know I did.” Inej was miserable._

_“But then I did something wrong.” Kaz shifted uncomfortably on the bed. Likely still adjusting to the discomfort of a now-useless erection. Inej had never hated herself more._

_“You didn’t,” she whispered, shaking her head. “I’m all wrong. I’m broken. This horrible city broke this part of me. I want this, Kaz; you don’t know how much I want this--”_

_“I might have an inkling,” Kaz groaned, shifting again, resting an arm over his lap._

_“I don’t know how to fight this,” and Inej buried her face in her hands._

_“We are fighting this,” Kaz insisted. “We have been fighting this. A battle of wits always lasts longer than a battle of brute strength. This is a long con we’re running, Wraith. Don’t you dare give up on me now.”_

_She looked up through her tears at his earnest face. It was the same face that pulled her up from the ground when her exhausted arms couldn’t fight one more minute. The face that was always one step ahead of his enemies. The face she loved. She did, after all. She loved him._

_She nodded once, wiping off her cheek with the fabric on her wrist._

_“Knives drawn, pistols blazing,” she sniffed, half-heartedly._

_“Innuendo, Wraith?” Kaz gave her a cheeky smirk. “A bit too soon, don’t you think?”_

_She did laugh outright at that, and Kaz gave her that crooked smile that could always bring her back to life._

_“It was hardly a year ago, and you were vomiting into that washbasin just from kissing me,” Inej said. “How are you doing this? Why is this easier for you?”_

_Kaz paused, raking his fingers through his dark hair as he thought._

_“I suppose my body believes different lies than yours,” he said. “You’ve got some demons that are harder to kill.”_

_Inej nodded in agreement. It made sense._

_“That and I – how do I put this lightly?” Kaz averted his gaze, looking up at the ceiling. “I polish my knife, you could say?”_

_Inej spat out a laugh. Such a Crow. No manners in the least._

_“Laugh if you want,” Kaz smirked, “but the practice can’t hurt. Are you practicing?”_

_“Knife-polishing?” Inej raised an eyebrow. “Wait, mine needs a different name.”_

_Speaking as plainly as this was already helping. Inej could feel her shoulders loosen._

_“Cleaning your sheath?” Kaz offered, with a shrug. “Do you clean your sheath?”_

_“Saints, Kaz!” Inej laughed, her head thrown back. And Kaz couldn’t hide his grin._

She’d laughed, but it became the next scheme in their long con against their rebellious bodies. Perhaps if Inej wasn’t afraid of awakening herself, it would be less frightening when it happened with Kaz. It wasn’t the most insane plan they’d ever come up with.

Inej wrote Nina Zenik for advice before _The Wraith_ even left port, with specific instructions about where to post the reply so she could receive it at their next stop. She could only imagine what her old friend’s reaction to this sort of letter would be.

Unsurprisingly, Nina’s reply was not shy. She was not one for innuendo and had enclosed a detailed, bullet-point list of everything Inej ought to try on her own to conquer this horrible reaction to arousal. Inej couldn’t read two sentences without blushing. She’d hidden the letter in her pack, had considered its contents for nearly a week without any action whatsoever.

But the insomnia wouldn’t relent. Each night, she lie awake with unmet desire, her thoughts swirling with memories of Kaz instead of memories of her past. They would be returning to Ketterdam within a week, and all she wanted was to be able to not push Kaz away again. She couldn’t bear another look like the one he’d given her that last night.

She had to try. She had to let herself go and feel without looking for an escape. She was alone now, after all. Safe, in control. No one to lay a hand on her.

She took in a long inhale and let it out slowly as she let her fingers wander to her center, at first just over her trousers. Nina had insisted it wouldn’t work if she forced it. _Now she tells me_ , Inej had thought, grimly remembering that first night her kiss had made Kaz vomit.

She drew lazy circles over herself, following Nina’s suggested, and slowly, Inej’s lips started to part. There was nothing painful about this at all. She felt lovely. Her mind could wander off while her body welcomed the new gentle touch.

And she thought of Kaz, as Nina had instructed, of everything she wanted about him. His crooked smile. The stubble that grew on his chin after a few days of travel. That haircut no one else could pull off. His sharp cheekbones, his perfect mouth. She could think of many places she wished that mouth could be. Her fingers travelled a little further, a little faster, slipping underneath her trousers, at the thought.

Who was she kidding? She wanted that mouth at her breasts, those clever fingers working over more sensitive parts of her. She wanted him to grip her waist, her ass, to nip at her neck and rasp her name into her ear. She was gasping, warm and flushed. If her own fingers could feel this good, what would his be like?

She wanted to know.

She had to know.

With her pleasure rising, she was suddenly welcoming new ideas, daring to demand more from her own body. If it could feel like this, she could unbutton his shirt. She could let him unbutton hers. His fingers would probably shake. She loved that about him. Would he let her undo his belt? Could she dare to be completely naked with him? Would he dare?

Saints, she _wanted him._ She closed her eyes tightly, her mouth slack, and all she could think of was him hovering above her, his soft mouth all over her, his fingers caressing her slick clit until her whole body shook.

She bit her lip, biting back his name. Perhaps she wouldn’t when he was there. Pleasure was building through her abdomen, pushing her closer to a cliff she desperately wanted to fall off of. Was he saying her name when he did this to himself, too? Oh, the thought undid her completely.

And Inej cried out, losing herself entirely to the new sensations that flooded her body, and then pressed the back of her hand to her mouth while she floated among the stars. It wouldn’t do at all to have one of her crew come and check on her now. This was not something she needed to explain. It was bad enough Nina knew.

One thing was for sure. It wasn’t overrated. Not a bit.

Inej pressed a hand to her sternum as she caught her breath, her heart pounding against her palm. Her eyes began to drift close as her breathing evened out. Sleep was closing in, a smile on her lips.

Inej Ghafa had a problem. Well, no, Inej Ghafa had several problems. Didn’t everybody? Tonight, at least, she would rest in the knowledge that not one of them would get the best of her. Not today.

**Author's Note:**

> Please be kind. It's my first sexyfic. :) Also there's more of this kind of nonsense on my [tumblr](https://anonniemousefics.tumblr.com). Come say hi!


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